ANXIETY.  That word gets tossed around a lot anymore. It used to be something almost “shameful”, but now it seems like people wear it as a badge of honor.

While I’m glad that I don’t have to hide my condition from my friends, family and co-workers anymore, the nonchalant way some people use this word, or describe this condition, tends to diminish the seriousness of the diagnosis.

I don’t know how many times I have heard “everyone feels that way” when the topic of my anxiety comes up. Do people think I’m weak because I need medication to control my moods.  I like to think I am actually strong for facing my problem and doing something about it.  Why live in a state of agitation and anxiety when there is a solution that works for you.

What MY anxiety looks like.

Anxiety is different for everyone, and there is no “one size fits all” method for controlling it.  Before I was prescribed Venlafaxine, I tried yoga, meditation, journaling, walking and even a few stiff shots and a glass of wine.

I loved yoga. It was amazing to discover what my body could do, but it didn’t help with my anxiety.  Meditation sounded great, but as anyone dealing with anxiety knows, sometimes quieting your mind just isn’t an option, and I eventually gave it up.  I’m still journaling, as this blog will attest to.  Writing has always helped me clarify my thoughts. But when a full blown anxiety attack hits, writing is the last thing I want to do. Writing is more “after the storm” therapy for me.

I love to walk. I walk on my lunch hour, and I walk at home with my puppy Hugo. My mind is settled when I walk and I feel peaceful yet energized. If only I could walk forever. But I can’t, which brings me to alcohol.  I want to be able to enjoy a drink as a happy indulgence, not as a crutch to get me through the day. I already have one major issue I’m dealing with, I don’t need to create another.

So that leaves me with medication.  While some of my other coping skills may help a bit, when I combine them with the Venlafaxine, my prescribed drug of choice, I feel like a more authentic version of myself.

Before I found Venlafaxine, I would experience severe episodes of anxiety multiple times a day. It would start as a little nagging feeling deep in my brain. Something was “off”, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. That little nagging would turn into a restless energy where I couldn’t sit still and couldn’t get comfortable. That would lead to feelings of anger and feelings of depression. My clothes felt tight, my shoes restrictive, and my brain chaotic. I wanted to jump out of my skin, break something, or run away and hide. I was irritable and on edge. All I wanted to do was sleep, but sleep would elude me.

The one thing I didn’t want to do was cry. I was afraid if I started to cry I wouldn’t be able to stop. I was ashamed and I didn’t want people to think I was crazy.

These episodes would happen anywhere and at any time. At work, at a party, sitting in a drive-thru.  There really wasn’t ever a “trigger”.  But once the anxiety started, I could BE triggered.  When I was suffering with an anxiety attack, any little issue I would normally roll with became a full blow life or death situation.

Sometimes it felt like I was outside my body, watching the action from afar. I knew I was not acting rationally, but I didn’t have the strength to push the emergency stop button and end the madness.

I would yell at my kid and my husband, and scream at my dog. I would fight with the news anchor on the television, and ridicule my own reflection in the mirror. I would feel like I was losing my grip on reality.

It could take hours or even days to recover from some of the more intense anxiety attacks. Afterwards I would feel ashamed at my lack of control, and wonder what was wrong with me. In those moments, I hated myself.

In between I was fine, “normal”. I could function, and laugh, and love and enjoy a beautiful day.  I could find success at work and be productive and reliable. But hiding my condition was exhausting. I was afraid to let people know what I was experiencing or letting my guard down. At the time, I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I really thought I just might be losing my mind.

My husband tried to help. He begged me to tell him what was wrong. He was afraid I was unhappy, and he put a lot of my problems on himself. Sure, he could be a pain in the ass, but my emotions were not his issue. When I started to notice my moods affecting my son (I always tried to hide it from him, but kids know) I finally decided to try and do something about it.  I made an appointment with my primary.

I was ready for anything my doctor was going to tell me, even if it was that I was crazy or weak and overly dramatic.  I never expected him to tell me I was suffering from General Anxiety Disorder.

SO What Exactly is General Anxiety Disorder?

According to the Mayo Clinic, the symptoms of General Anxiety Disorder include:

• Feeling restless, wound-up, or on-edge
• Being easily fatigued
• Having difficulty concentrating; mind going blank
• Being irritable
• Having muscle tension
• Difficulty controlling feelings of worry
• Having sleep problems, such as difficulty falling or staying asleep, restlessness, or unsatisfying sleep

It was such a relief knowing what was wrong with me. When my doctor mentioned there was medication I could try to manage my symptoms, I jumped at the chance. I have never been one to frown upon popping a pill when it was needed or necessary.  My doctor prescribed Venlafaxine in a low dose, that he would step up to a higher milligram in two weeks as long as my body was tolerating the drug. I was lucky, and did not experience any adverse side effects.

What is Venlafaxine?

Venlafaxine is an antidepressant belonging to a group of drugs called selective serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors, or SSNRIs.  Venlafaxine affects chemicals in the brain that may be unbalanced in people with depression, anxiety and panic disorders.

Almost immediately I started to notice a difference. I wasn’t on edge as much as before, and my shoulders didn’t persistently feel tense. By the second week my mind felt clear. I could concentrate better and I wasn’t obsessing over every little thing.  I could still be mad, or sad, but those feelings never escalated. I felt in control.

I could sit at my desk at work without suddenly being overcome with irrational anger or distress. My hands stopped sweating and my moods evened out. I felt like I was Me, only better.

I have been on Venlafaxine for a few years now and it has saved my sanity and possible my life. I am capable of handling my husband’s illness and my son’s teen years without losing my mind. I am able to handle major life changes, like when my Father-in-Law moved in with us, with optimism and a sense of humor. Some days are better than others, but now when I say I am anxious I am talking about a slight feeling of unease, not a life altering condition.

If you are experiencing any of the symptoms I have described, it may be time to talk to your doctor. You don’t have to live with constant anxiety. There is help.

Suffering from General Anxiety Disorder is NOT your fault, but you can control how you manage it. Whether it’s meds, or journaling or meditation, find what works for you. You and your family deserve it.